Bittersweet Emotions
by Finn1
Summary: After waiting so long for Buffy, Spike wants her to make her final decision about their relationship with each other. Buffy is having a hard time finding out what her feelings are for Spike.
1. Beginnings

"Oh come on slayer!" Spike called chasing after Buffy as she walked briskly away from his crypt. "Give me a chance, you and I both know that we love each other. We can feel the connection." Spike stopped in his tracks. "Bloody hell." He looked down at his feet for a moment and then looked up. "Fine, I'll give you a night to sleep on it. It will do you some good."  
  
Relieved, Buffy reached her house. "Dawn. I'm back." The teenage girl was watching TV with Willow on the couch. "Bedtime." "Aww, Buffy. I'm just going to figure out if Joey is really dead." Replied Dawn. "Anything new?" Willow asked Buffy. "Vampire. Me. Stake. Poof." Buffy answered leaving out the part where Spike was begging for her. "Xander and Anya are coming over tomorrow. I hope that they will be civil enough towards each other. We need to get some work done on Warren and what he and his geek posse are up to." Buffy sighed. "Those two really need to understand that they both need some time alone to figure things out."  
  
"Dawn, up to bed." Buffy ordered. Dawn glared at Buffy and threw down the remote. She stamped on the stairs to make sure to Buffy that she was going up on protest. "I myself need to get some rest. See you in the morning Wills?" "Of course. Must have had a tiring patrol."  
  
During the night, Spike came to the Summers house. He must have stood on the sidewalk for half an hour before deciding to look in on Buffy. He found a ladder on the side of the house and brought it to Buffy's window. A rush came over him as he saw his sleeping angel. His fingertips ran over the windowpane. If only Buffy knew all that he felt for her. He expressed only some of what he felt, for even that has scared her away from him. "Why can't she love me back the way that I love her?" he thought to himself. "She's the only thing that is keeping me from getting into a fight with a bunch of vamps, and letting them win."  
  
*Buffy stirred and rolled over. She opened her eyes and looked out the window. Rain pattered against the glass. She thought to herself, "Was I right to give Spike the cold shoulder? I feel complete when I'm around him. Yet, I'm not sure what to do. I don't want him leaving me if I get into a relationship. I can't take that pain another time." After a little bit, she decided that she needed to talk with Spike, to let him know how she felt. Maybe there was still hope.  
  
Rain poured down and lightning streaked the sky. Buffy made her way to the cemetery. She pushed open the door of Spike's crypt. She looked around but didn't see him. "Finally ready to talk luv? I've been waiting for you to come." It seemed as he just popped in front of her. "Oh Spike. I love you but I loathe you at the same time. You are the same person that has helped me when I needed it, but you would kill me if you had the chance. I know that chip will only hold you for so long." "But I have not had the chance. The chance will come the day that the fires and waters come together and nothing happens, which is never. I will always be yours if you're willing to take me." Buffy scrunched her eyebrows. Spike was talking very strangely. "Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand. We need to try this out, before anything more can happen."  
  
With that said Buffy totally lost it. Spike's last comment made her realize that she will have to test her love for him. She walked towards him and kissed him. It was the most passionate kiss that she had ever shared with anyone. Her entire body felt as if it was wrapped tightly in blankets, with core of this feeling coming from her heart. She proceeded to lead Spike to his bed. Dawn walked in. She went to the fridge and pulled a Pepsi out. "Dawn. What are you doing here?" Buffy questioned. "We're out. I know Spike keeps them stocked for me." Dawn sat on a chair and started to watch TV, totally comfortable with what was going on.  
  
Continuing with their love making, Buffy pulled away for a second. "How long is this going to last?" "Oh cutie there are not words explaining how much this will last. Only the thought of the end makes me think of how we're never going to reach it." Spike reassured her. "There is something different about you, Spike. Something that makes me feel so different. Even your attitude is changing. Your sweetness is really showing. I want to be with you forever. Never reaching an end." "All you have to do luv is stop living in your own world, and wake up. I want to be with you. Wake up. You've known that for a long time. Wake up."*  
  
Buffy bolted up in bed. She looked at her clock. It read 3:26. What did that mean? She rubbed her eyes. It was dark outside. She lied in bed for another 15 minutes before dozing off again. Spike climbed down the ladder and walked slowly down the street thinking that he will always be alone.  
  
The next day at the Magic Box, the entire Scooby gang gathered around the round table. "So we've uncovered that Warren wants something that has to do with Buffy." "You're a genius Xander! We've only known that for, hmmm, forever?" Buffy said sarcastically. "You don't have to get all mean about it, Buff." "Buffy, Xander. This is not helping. We're basically at ground zero and we don't need this fighting between us right now." Willow glared at them. "Sorry Will, it's just that I've had a rough night."  
  
"So do you remember anything that may give us a lead on this?" Tara asked Buffy. "I'm not sure, he seemed to be looking at me more closely. Maybe it's something that I have that he wants. Or maybe he is just being the biggest pervert that he is." Xander laughed. "Maybe he should just join the Buffy fan club. He and Spike could run it. But of course Spike is the president." Buffy forced a nervous laugh. Anya walked by. "This is not helping with the business. First there is fighting, next laughing. Pick your mood and stick to it." She said, everyone knowing that if the fight was between Buffy and anyone else but Xander that she wouldn't have cared.  
  
"This is crazy." Tara said. "You and Anya need to talk things out. It took Willow and me some time but finally we think that things are getting back to as normal as it can get." "It isn't the same, Tara. You didn't leave Willow at the altar. I've tried so hard to win her back, but every time I look into her eyes, I see the pain that I have caused her, and tell myself that I shouldn't be here. You don't know how bad I wish that I could go back to that day. To stay with her, no matter what I was thinking." Buffy sympathized with Xander, not knowing completely what he felt, but how you had to leave someone you love.  
  
In the mean time, Spike was laying about in his crypt. He was thinking about Buffy. He gave her a day to think things out, but still she hasn't said anything to him yet. She probably didn't even think about him at all. She doesn't even know that he spent the entire night gazing at her. The perfect bliss for him. He told himself that if she didn't say something to him in the next few days, he was going to go insane and get himself killed. He took a swig of whiskey, finishing his bottle. "Bloody Hell." He muttered to himself. "Look what this damn slayer is doing to me. Making me some love sick puppy." He threw the empty bottle against the wall. It crashed into little pieces scattering the floor.  
  
Back at the Summers house, Buffy was busily making dinner. Everyone was coming over and she wanted everyone to have a good time, especially Xander and Anya. She knew how much Xander liked her and wanted them to be happy together. This made her feel like such a hypocrite. She knew that Spike loved her. Probably more than Xander liked Anya. Her dream last night made her look at Spike differently. He could act differently if he wanted to. All he needed to do was to show her how he felt, and he would probably have her. She knew how she felt when she was around him, but she wasn't about to admit to herself that she wanted Spike.  
  
In an hour, people started to arrive to her house. She made spaghetti, which she knew everyone loved. No fights yet and it's about halfway through dinner, good. She thought to herself. The discussion was about when Giles is flying in for a visit. "I can't wait. Maybe he can help us with what's going on." Willow said. "He's probably already researching the next prophecy." "Oh please don't say that, I don't think that I could handle anything really big right now." Buffy said. There was a noise outside. "What was that?" Buffy said. "What was what, Buff?" Dawn asked her. "I'll be right back." Buffy got up and left the table.  
  
She walked to the front door and opened it and looked around outside. Sighing she spotted a speck of platinum blonde jump behind a tree. "Spike, I know you're out here." She called. "Spike. Spike." "Fine you caught me slayer. I'm here." He appeared. "What are you doing here?" "To see you beautiful. I can't stop thinking about you." Was this the Spike from her dream? "Damnit, why the hell haven't you seen me yet?" Nope. Still the same Spike. "I thought that when I was ready to see you, that I would come to you." She told him. "I couldn't wait luv. I have a good way at putting things, to maybe help you change your mind about me. Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand." Buffy gasped. That was the same thing that he said to her in her dream. "Where did you come up with that?!" She screamed at him. "I looked into your sparkling green eyes. It came to me. I think it means that I can't tell you how much I love you. I have to show it to you. I've been very patient Buffy. But really, I want you to stop by, tonight with an answer for me. Come either way. Do you love me, or do you not." With that, Spike left, leaving Buffy confused and yet somehow flabbergasted at what he told her. Could he see into her? Know what she was thinking?  
  
She came back into the house. "What happened?" Xander asked. "It was nothing. Just a squirrel." Buffy said, half aware of what was going on, still thinking about her encounter. It seemed that dinner ended rather quickly. Pretty soon it was just Buffy, Willow, and Dawn left in the house. "It's too bad that Anya and Xander didn't even talk with each other." Willow said. "Maybe one day we just need to lock them up in a room and let them have it out until the come out as much in love as they were before." Dawn giggled. "Maybe." Buffy said, still in a daze. "You know what, I think I'm going to do a quick patrol." Buffy said as she grabbed her coat leaving the house.  
  
Before she realized that she has been walking for a few minutes, she found herself in front of Spike's crypt. She sighed and pushed open the door. 


	2. New Faiths

"So what's it gonna be?" Spike looked at her, with a little hope in his eyes. "Spike, I've been thinking this over for a while, and I've come to a decision. Now I don't know if it's going to be the best thing for us right now, but I think that we should try it." "Damnit. Fucking bloody hell. I knew how this was going to be. Well with you coming here and all, giving me false hopes. Me thinking that everything was going to be grand that you were going to come here and be with me. Not you coming and giving me one of your lectures, about how we can't." Spike kept on rambling and pacing.  
  
"I want to be with you." Buffy whispered beneath her breath. Spike stopped walking and talking and looked at her. "What did you say luv?" "I want to be with you. To try this out, whatever this may be. But all I know is that I need you." Spike's face was frozen. He was lost for words. Buffy continued. "I don't think that I love you yet. That takes time and patience, which I know you have, so if your willing to, I think that we can be good friends to start out with." "'Course." Was all Spike could get out. It wasn't exactly what he was hoping for, but Buffy was willing to try. "I need to go now. Get back to Dawn. I'll see you later." She walked out.  
  
How stupid could I be? Of course she wasn't going to come here and be in love with you. But at least she doesn't hate you. She's willing to try things out. This could be a good thing 'ol boy. Just have to be a perfect gentleman when I am around her now. Make sure that everything goes her way.  
  
Buffy walked home with an ever so slight spring in her step. She kind of actually felt anxious with her and Spike. Maybe things won't be so bad, and maybe she'll actually have fun with him. Wouldn't that be nice? If I actually like him to the point of where I love him, maybe I can settle down with him. Get married. Have kids. Wait, this is Spike and me I'm talking about. But, I never know what will happen.  
  
She stopped in front of her house, thinking about all the people that go in and out of there everyday. Would they approve of what she was doing? It didn't matter. As long as she was happy, that's what counts. But, she wouldn't tell them. Let them find out on their own. She sighed and went inside. It was pretty late so no one was up.  
  
"What the hell are you doing?" Warren asked Jonathan. "Just looking through these papers. That's all." "You moron. You'll mess everything up. That's all our research! Do you have any idea how long that took? It will take twice as long to put everything back in its place." "Sorry, Warren. I didn't think you would have minded." "Minded? Minded?! Does it look like I mind to you? If we don't do this soon, the slayer will find out. Do you know what that means? A major ass kicking."  
  
It took Buffy a long time to fall asleep. She kept thinking about Spike, and what might be in the future for them. She told herself that tomorrow she was going to go over to his place. Hell, they needed to get started somewhere. I never thought that this was going to happen. Maybe things will be good. As long as this doesn't turn into another Angel ordeal. Angel. It's been a long time. Well, that was over and done with. Now it was she and Spike. She couldn't help feeling excited.  
  
The next morning Buffy woke up and made breakfast for Dawn. "DAWN!! Get up. It's time for school." "Grr. Buffy I don't want to go to school today." "You never want to go to school, so just give it up. You're going." "So what did you do last night Buffy? You came home kinda late for slaying." Buffy swallowed rather fast and started to cough. "Really? I thought I came home normal time. Yup, as usual. Nothing out of the ordinary." Dawn raised an eyebrow at Buffy. "Alright." With that she picked up her books and headed out the door.  
  
Today Buffy had the day off from the Double Meat Palace. She did a little house cleaning just in case the social service inspector decided to pay a visit. After that she watched some TV and fell asleep on the couch. All the time she had Spike on her mind. What was he doing? Was he thinking of her?  
  
Spike was over excited with his new standings with Buffy. She was his now, so maybe they could get things started now, and the sooner the better. With the Bit off at school, and the rest of them Scoobies at work and school, it was the perfect time to go see her. He took his smoldering blanket and headed off the very familiar route to her house. With the all time free access invite, he walked into the kitchen door. He wandered the house a bit until he came to the living room where he found her asleep. He knelt down beside her and stroked her face and silky hair. He bent over to kiss her lightly on her forehead.  
  
Buffy stirred and her eyes fluttered open. "Spike?" she said softly. "Yes pet, I'm here." He said with a tone of gentleness. "I missed you already. It hasn't even been a day. I just know that we're supposed to be together." Spike felt all warm inside despite the fact that he is always very cold. She is opening up to me already, he thought. Normally its me, saying what's coming from my, er, heart, and waiting to get my ass kicked by her. Spike smiled down on her. "I will always be here when you want me luv."  
  
Spike sat on the couch and pulled Buffy into his lap. They snuggled together until Buffy fell asleep again. Spike just sat there motionless, listening to her breathing, memorizing the amount of time in between each breath. This is the way is should be, he thought. They way it always should have been. If only she would have admitted to herself sooner, then maybe we can be far from where we are not. Not just cuddling' buddies. Stop that! he told himself. She has agreed to be more than friends with you! Why do you have to want more already? Grrrr. It will come eventually, Spike.  
  
In a few hours Dawn came through the door. She turned to her left and found her sister sleeping against a sleeping Spike. Spike heard her with his vampire hearing. "How was school Bit?" he asked her. "Spike, I was just at your crypt and didn't find you there. I got worried and was beginning to think you got dusted because it's daylight out." "Shhhh. Let your sister sleep. We'll go talk in the kitchen." With that he ever so lightly moved Buffy until she rested on some pillows.  
  
"Hey Warren, come look at this!" Jonathan motioned with his hands and never took his eyes off the screen he was looking at. "The Slayer and that Vamp are back together again." "Shit." Warren let out. "This means that they'll be hanging out together more often. Less chances for us to make our move." "What are we gonna do Warren?" Jonathan asked him. "Well, either we wait it out, until the Slayer hates him again or wait until they are not together, or just find something powerful enough to take them both down." "Powerful enough for two things with that much strength?" "You never know what I have up my sleeve, Jonathan, you never know."  
  
"Are you and Buffy a couple now?" Dawn asked Spike. "I'm not sure not, but we're heading in that direction, yes." Spike answered as he took a blood bag from the fridge and put it into a mug to be micro waved. "Good. I've been waiting for this to happen." Spike looked at her. "You have now?" "Yes, I mean it's so obvious. Even when she gave you the cold shoulder, you can tell that she was hurting inside. This brought a little joy to Spike, but knowing that she was hurting took that joy away from him. He realized though that now she can't possibly be hurting that much anymore, knowing that they were together. But still, next time he was with her he will make her know that she doesn't need to have pain anymore.  
  
"Hello? Hello? Anyone home?" Xander called stepping into the house. He walked into the kitchen and spotted Spike sitting there with Dawn. "What the hell are you doing here?! I thought Buffy told you to leave her alone. You just don't get it do you?" Xander yelled at him. "Xander. Spike and I were just.." Dawn started to answer but Spike cut her off. "Harris. Can you just mind your own business for once? Maybe if you did, then you would have never left your girl, and never turned into even the more asshole that you are." Spike turned to the door and put his duster over his head. "Spike don't leave!" called Dawn. "Sorry Bit, looks like I'm not wanted right now." He ran out the door. Someday I'll teach that stupid bloke, but for now, I'll let Buffy deal with him.  
  
Buffy awoke, expecting to be in the arms of Spike. Instead she heard a fight coming from the kitchen. She was about to get up and go see what happened but she heard a door slam. On the floor by the couch was Spike's smoldering blanket. She picked it up and hugged it to her body. It smelled so much like him. Buffy was in complete comfort. 


End file.
